I'm Starting to Revert Back to the Dependent Gal

Pai seh, picture of the toilet also show you all :P

So, the story is that when I thought that I had started to become independent of anyone, *meaning = doing stuff myself without the need to consult anyone and no daily life reporting to someone and do not feel the urge to talk to someone*, you came and mess up my heart by returning home and leaving me again :(

Sigh...

Guess I'll never be able to get over you, won't I?

Ooohh, by the way, did I ever tell you that you look dashing and gorgeous??

You still make my heart throb ^_^

Blue-black 187 Sigma Brush!!??

Really... Its suppose to be white at the top but somehow, it got bruised all over... Haven't got a clue how did it ended up like this. And I was so shocked and sad that my favourites brush decided to change race T__T

If you have any suggestions on how to save this atrocity, please leave me a comment and help me...

Just came back from Malaysia, and am a dead tired. Not to mention that I went Christmas shopping which totally left a huge hole in my bank account. I really need to start saving next month, which coincidently, is a brand new year.

Well, now I know what would be my No.1 priority on my New Year's Resolution's list!!

I Am So Freaking Annoyed With Myself

Because I fucking did not buy the book when I've got the chance too. Popular told me that its sold out. And I gotta wait for 2 whole freaking weeks before I can get my hands on it.

And there I was, pondering whether to get Breaking Dawn together with New Moon when I last saw it a couple o'days ago.

Stupidity!!! Idiocracy!!! Madness!!!

I am so damn frustrated with myself. T__T

Should I order off Amazon.co.uk?? Decisions, decisions, decisions!!

When the Relationship Between Humans All Goes Wrong

Not in the slightest good mood to write up a cheery post (there goes my goal of creating a optimistic blog). There's been so many things going on in my life that I'm just too confused as to what should I be handling/facing/solving 1st.


Maybe I'm too weak for challenges that comes into my life. Those itsy bitsy obstacle that ever so mischeviously dancing around me, trying to get me off my sanity track. And well, "you know what, obstacles? you WIN!"


When I tend to dwell deeper into my ever confusing thoughts, the more I see how pathetic my life could be. And I totally suck big time when it comes to dealing with people.


People may judge me based on materialistic stuff, by my looks, by my grades, by my acheivement. Not once where people judge me by me, by my personality, by my attitude, you know, just by... being ME.


That's why, I tend not to thread upon the ever fickle relationship between human. That's why I'd rather be alone, think alone, eat alone, drink alone, bathe alone (-__-'''), and live alone. That way, I won't get hurt. I won't feel the depression/hatred bestow upon me.


However, back to reality, I do need to put up with people. Because they are practically just everywhere, and humans are the ones that make the universe goes around. But as chicken as I sound, I decided, to run away from all of it. How??? I am yet to figure that out. 


I know, some of you might say, running from problems ain't gonna get you anywhere. But, when you think about it, sometimes, running away gives you the time to think about the source of all mishaps and gradually gives you back the courage to face them with a more appropriate/adjusted feeling. You won't feel patronized or defeated even before trying to solve all calamity. Running away, simply calms you down and present you the opportunity to see from a third person's point of view of how the pandemonium starts.


Where was I again??? Oh right, the human bonding. Well, you might have guess that I'm not good at inter-human relationship, be it infant, the kids, the elderly or even the same age ones. People were always encouraging me to learn how to maintain/earn more relationships. But to me, what's the point?? I always ended up being the pessimist that I always am and ruin it all.


Therefore, if you ask me to choose, I much rather be the girl who sits alone in the room, with the laptop and the internet, blog whatever I have to say, or rather make Youtube videos, than spend my time dealing with people.


I am much happier being alone.

Due to Lack of Words

Here's some vain self-portrait for myself for you to enjoy (not that you would enjoy that much, but still...). I don't think I want to complain to much on my blog as I think bad mood/depressing environment could instigate more negative feelings to my those who are reading this blog.

Oh well, so much for being considerate and empathetic.

On a lighter tone (and unrelated topic), what are you guys having dinner for tonight? Roast chicken? Pasta? Curry? Stir-fry? Fish?

This Blog Would Be Temporarily Disrupted Due To The Owner's Grieving

T__T x 100000000000000 days

Is what I'm doing right now. I just hate hate hate this kinda feeling. I really don't wanna experience it again but if he is far away from me, I have no choice but to constantly endure this insane heartache.

I miss him so so much. And its only been like 10 hours. Can't imagine what would be the rest of half year like.... T__T

Don't pity me please. Don't say any word of console. It would make my tears go even more berserk.

Tell me something happy. Or funny. But if you've got none, its ok... Don't let this post ruin your day. Forget about it.

Food For Thoughts

Did you ever have this experience of ESCAPING FROM YOUR CURRENT SITUATION TO A PLACE WHERE NOBODY RECOGNIZE YOU??

Well....

It seems that I'm having this very notion right now.

What Is It Like To Be Seperated From Your Boyfriend?

1. You'll have insomnia or sleepless nights, tossing and turning in bed, thinking about everything that you had done together or are going to acheive next time.

2. Daydream like there's no tomorrow. Basically, your mind is blank, just constant flashes of his image every now and then.

3. Your appetite may either grow or vice versa. It really depends on how stressful you are. Some people may eat just to counter the loneliness or some just don't wanna eat because your emotions are all focused on how sad you are.

4. You tend to pay higher monthly telephone bills.

5. Trying to stay strong on the outside, brave the loneliness by going shopping alone, buying stuff according to your instinct and not on other's opinion, but deep down, you know that you want him that instance.

6. Get closer to your friends. Those that you had long lost contacted has now been revived due to your incapability to cope with the lonesome-ness

7. Suddenly, family seems to be very important and you just can't live without them and acknowledging how you could always fall back into their wrath if something goes wrong.

8. Those dusty antique photos of those good ol' times together suddenly becomes more valuable and no more are they sitting in old archives (I mean, in the virtual world).

9. You had grown wiser and braver due to the fact that you have no choice but to solve your own problems and face your own adversity, by yourself that is..

10. You touch your side, and its empty, and then you really know, he's not here :(

Happy Belated Birthday To Me And Bye Bye UK

I'm taking tonight's flight at 11pm back to Malaysia. OMG!!!

I'm half excited and half overwhelmed with the feeling of lost and lonely. A bit confused.

But anyway, I'd packed, my luggage as well as my heart, and leaving on the jet plane tonight. Wish me Bon Voyage and may my relationship with YOONG stay strong and may our relationship blossom too...

Oh yeah, yesterday was my birthday, I forgot to wish myself. Happy 25th Birthday Cindy!! ^__^

And yup, I received tons of presents of the boyfriend and myself ;p which 100% consists of makeup -__-'''

I really am addicted to these colourful tools. And I'd say "Bring it on!!! Mama's waiting!!!". That's how much I love my make ups now.

And thanks to all who wished me Happy Birthday. I really really appreciate it. Love you guys.

And to all my readers/subscribers, thank you so so much for everything (leaving comments and reading my posts). You made me what I am today, Cindy The Energetic And Persevere!! Love you guys too!! Muacks...

Another 5 more days

and I'll be turning 25. Sounds so old to me. Its like, "Auntie ah, you have wrinkles liao, do you wanna buy this anti-aging cream or not?", coming my way -__-'''

I'd got my presents. The boyfriend is totally efficient in buying the treasures that I'd wanted a long time ago (alright, maybe not so long time ago, just few weeks ago). And of course, to eliminate the need of wasting money on some surprise gifts that I dislike, I choose all those presents myself, with him taking out his credit card to swipe.

Thanks Osh Osh!!

But this time, I'm not that looking forward to my birthday. Because day after that, I'm returning to Malaysia and leaving UK :-( And yup, I really can't bear to leave him alone here in UK. We really have to get loads of things sorted out before getting seperated for 3 years.

Damn!!! 3 years seems to be such a long time...

The Sign That Shows You Are No More Working There

Is to throw all the uniform into a bag and bin it, like you are not looking back anymore..

Its kinda sad that I'm going to part with both of my jobs (both KFC and admin officer job) and the people there. Although there are annoying or sad memories there, but its the fond memories that churn up the "I don't wanna leave here" feeling embedded inside me (I was quite surprise by this frankly speaking).

Packing my luggage. Sorting out things. My 2 years and 7 months life here isn't something to be taken lightly and thus, the need for Yoong to help me send back my things through parcel. Somethings just aren't meant for throwing. Oh dear, I wonder how am I going to cramp all my stuff into a 30kg luggage...

2 Announcement & Food Stuff

I have a big big announcement to make...

**Breathes in deeply and exhale through mouth...** x 10

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I am leaving UK next month.

For good.

Its a tough decision, but I know its the best for me, my future, my boyfriend, our future family, my family and my boyfriend's family
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Another big announcement.....

**Breathes in deeply and exhale..**cough cough**... exhale...***

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I'm not staying back in Malaysia either.

I'm going to Japan.

To work.... for 3 years.

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I don't even know whether I'm couragous or strong enough to survive in Japan alone, with no knowledge of Japanese language, or their culture, or their people. But I'll try my best.

Therefore, I really need you guys, help me through this tough phase. Tell me that I'm making the right decision. Tell me that I'm strong enough to brave the adversity alone. Tell me that I'm doing this for my own good. Tell me that I'm not alone and you all will be supporting me through the internet.

This sounded like a sad post!!?? does it?? No no.. I'm not that sad. Just a little dazed that this is all happening and its happening too fast.

Anyway, on a totally unrelated tone, here are some pictures of what I'd made..



Guan Qiang (Teochew vegetarian dish I'd learned from my mum) for the 1st day of Chinese New Year.





Ayam Paprik which taste awesome. Gonna make this again.

You can try to google up these recipe because I'm quite lazy to type the recipe here, sigh...Not in the mood... I wish I can just stay in bed all day without having to think so much and decide anything.

Utter Disappointment With The 88 Palette Received

Just received my package today which I'd been waiting for 1 week, my 88 eyeshadow palette and was super shocked to find that the package had been shove into the letter hole (is that what you call it?) and landed on the floor.

I had heard many bad news about the palette is extremely delicate and could crack/shatter easily and you really could imagine how much horror I had to endure throughout the unwrapping process.

And, sure enough, this is what greeted me....


Shimmer dust/powder/pigments flew everywhere. The whole packaging was like this, even the outer part. As if this wasn't enough..

This came into my sight. Horrific... I was totally speechless. And this wasn't as bad because I had put some colour palette back to its original place but still, too many of them had been dislocated.

Look at this horrendous commotion. Its like WW2 CLIS (Cindy's life is shit). Am very very unimpressed. What's up with the whole colour coming off the pan??

Very annoyed, very sad and very depressing to see something that I'm looking forward to so much comes to me in such a disgusting manner. I had told the seller that I want to return it back so lets see what kinda option the seller is gonna propose. Either a refund or exchange for a new one.

May You Rest In Peace, Britanny Murphy

Terribly sad news to report. Brittany Murphy, 32, died early Sunday morning (December 20) after she went into full cardiac arrest and could not be revived, TMZ reports.
A 911 call was made at 8:00 AM in Los Angeles, Calif. Reportedly, Murphy was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she was pronounced dead on arrival.
Earlier this year, Brittany told OK! that she planned to have children "hopefully soon" with her "soulmate," screenwriter husband Simon Monjack.

-CelebrityBabyScoop

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I totally like her in her movie with Ashton Kutcher, Just Married and now, she's like gone!! Why is it that this year is for dying?

Can't Focus...

I'm psycho-ing myself to not make this post into a mournful and distressful one because I had done that yesterday and I will not want my readers to be in the same state as me.

So...

How's everyone today?? Hopefully much better than I am...

Although I did recover a bit today, but the fact that my situation ain't any better has once conquer my mood today, thus, the moody title.

And I am thinking about reducing my post output from everyday per post to just once every 2 days. I know, it all depends on me and its my choice on how to play with my blog, but you know, sometimes readers do come in everyday for a post so if I'm not writing, I'll feel guilty about it (that is just so great, now there's another contributer to my already forlorn mood).

OK, I'm going to quit complaining and lament upon how pitiful I am cuz I already know that (and the whole world too).

Have to find ways to change or I'll continue to stay in this shit hole and never wanna move my ass away. OK, 1st step of reducing sadness, shopping and exercise.

Oh, I do hope this would work. And I know that if I start spending money again, I would be happy (a pure citizen of the shopaholic group). Ebay, here I come!!

And I wanna show you guys something too.

Our new baby

I Wanna Be Happy Again

Recently, I did a survey, and the survey was asking questions about the level of happiness that I'm going through in my life, and sadly, after finishing the questionnaire, I realized that I'd ticked mostly "disagree" when the question is "Are you happy with...?"


Am I becoming a sadist (in the sad way) or a pessismist? Or is it that I'm truely not satisfied with the way my current life is...??


And I do think I have a mental problem, not that serious as to commit suicide or hurt myself, I found myself totally not looking forward to the future me. Its like, I wanna live life as it is, no future planning, no dreams, no goal, just purely living like a zombie, pass day as it is, no motivation or enthusiasm or whatsoever to push myself, its like, I'm totally, AIMLESS.


I'm not happy with so many things in life, maybe I'm too picky when it comes to the level of happiness, I just can't appreciate what I'm having/doing now. Relationships, emotional state, job, money, physical health, hobby, life...The list never seems to wanna end. I am just so so lethargic in even writing this post.


Its a competitve world, I know, and its my own state of mind that blows the whistle to start this abstract-shadowy race of endless competitors, and I always kinda lose out in every competition. Being pretty, being slim, raking in money, jobs, blogging, wisdom... Oh my God, I'm so so annoying.


People would tell me how lucky I am to have what I'm having now. I know, compared to those handicapped or Tsunami victims or those African salvagers, I'm like 150% more lucky than them and I should appreciate what I'm having now. But please lah, don't lecture me on this again cuz no human being would ever compare themselves with those unfortunate. We are more prone to only have our eyes on those that are richer, prettier, slimmer, happier, perfect grammer...


So the reason of my unhappiness??? Still unknown...


I have to find the source of all my distress-ness or I'll go crazy in no time...


**googling How To Find Happiness**


And here's the summary of WAYS TO OBTAIN HAPPINESS:

• The lens you choose to view everything through determines how you will interpret what is happening. Happiness is a State of Mind.


• Focus on the present, not yesterday or tomorrow. You only have now. And now. And now. Yesterday is a memory and you cannot change it. Tomorrow is just a fantasy in your mind right now.


• Don’t forget to be grateful. A few things you can feel gratitude for are for instance: The sunshine and the weather. Your roof. Your health. A good TV-show, a movie or a song. Your friends, family, co-workers and just about anyone walking down the street.


• Help someone else find happiness.


• Get rid of a couple of your less valuable desires. If you throw away a few of those desires that you may not really want or need that much anyway you’ll probably start to feel less stressed and worried.


• Create moments of happiness. Do what you like to do. You may not be able to choose to do what you want to do right now. Or for many hours each day or week. But you almost always have a choice to do more of what you really want to do. Give it the top priority. Let nothing distract you from it. Pay attention to how you feel during this experience and let happiness come. Live in that moment of happiness. Relive the moment again later. Journal it. Remember it.


• Or at least do something. Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.


• Treat yourself like your favorite child. The caring, the attention, the concern that you would give a small child, give that same attention to yourself. Put good food on your plate at regular times. Listen to your inner voice. Set up regular times for exercise, reading and sleep, and discipline yourself to keep that schedule. Make sure you meet friends, take care of your health, and practice moderation.


• Clear out unhappiness. Find someone you can talk to about your feelings. Avoid things that make you unhappy. See less of unpleasant people whenever possible. Talk less and dwell less on your difficulties. Do not gossip or complain or envy others. If a problem is dragging you down, solve it or deal with it; put it behind you as soon as you can.


• Embrace happiness. Happiness is contagious. You can catch happiness just by talking to happy people. Read books with a happy outlook. Listen to pleasant music with an easy tempo. Sing along or hum if you don't know the words. Develop a friendship with a cheerful person. Spend time dancing to music. Stretch often. Exercise often. Tell yourself jokes. Practice positive thinking.


• Simplify!


• Be spontaneous. Take the opportunity to enjoy life as it happens. Be curious about life. Be inquisitive. Be amazed. Be amused. Make it your New Year's resolution to try new things. Better yet, don't wait until the New Year to make your resolution.


• Savor the simple pleasures.


• Give up some control. No matter how much we plan, we can never predict what the future will bring. Instead of attempting to control the outcome of events, learn to relax and enjoy the journey. Letting go of the need to control will give you more freedom to live in the moment.

I really wish I could laugh like that again and stop worrying about so many thing or being unsatisfied with whatever current situation I'm in.


And at the time being...


Retail shopping you say?? Maybe that would help... But I'll be guilty and sad again once I check the depleting amount of my bank account. So, I think I'll need to skip that.


Meditation you say?? Yeah, maybe that would help...


Going for a tour you say?? Maybe that would help... But I'll afraid with arguing with my boyfriend while we are on the trip and I hate that. But this would be in the KIV list.


Grab some good food you say?? Maybe that would help... Need to start choosing some fancy restaurant but Yoong isn't free to accompany me to savour them.


Argh...


You see lah... I'm totally a SADIST (in a sad way).

Its Not Meant To Be Ours

Yeah, I was planning to get this


as a Christmas present for the boyfriend but there were so many obstacle along the way (sim card and networking contributed the most of the problems) that the idea of getting it seems to be a dream now.

I was even armed the exact amount of money (£350) and was standing outside the Apply store discussing with Yoong about whether to get it or not, but eventually, after weeks of planning and saving, the iphone now turns to just a fantasy of bubbles.

Maybe I'm not meant to get anything that starts with an "i"

Argh, can't describe how I'm feeling right now. Why is there such a strong disappointing feeling growing inside me that seems to wanna explode?? Maybe my PMS is coming??

Technology!!!

It really could lead people to mental problems or maybe die of agony.

Stupid Stupid Rain

Bloody rain, come at the wrong day, spoil all my plans for shopping!!! I wanna go OOOOUUUTTT!!!!!

Sunshine when I'm working and rain when I'm at home, F*** my Bl**dy Life!!!

Longing for some clear bright day. I have yet to visit the Christmas Market and THE SHOP to buy some presents and clothings.

Its a SATURDAY!!! Why am I at home?? Tasketeh... Tolong-tolong...救命啊... Kao Meng Ah...Help!!!

**going bonkers**

Need To Keep Calm (This Post Is Not Dedicated To Haters)

I totally am fuming and my head is going to burst of anger. Can't tell you what happen because people will tend to think that its just a minor problem which I don't need to get pissed off with.

But I just can't believe that this actually happen and I was there. How I wish that I could close my ears from those sacarstic words from the mouth but still, I can't seem to stop them from getting to me.

I really wish that I could find a way to remain serene and be a bit more mature to get over those words of sharp edges. In the end, I made a fool of myself by wallowing in my self-pity and writing this post to help me heal the wound.

**praying now**

Optimism of mine, where art thou??? Come back please.

Argh!!! I need to control myself. Part of those sentences are right and 60% of them are untrue, but what can I do, I can't control other's mouth from hurting me, can I?? But how on earth could you babble something evil about me so fluently without giving it a second thought that your words would hurt me deeply??

OK, I am a grown up. I will handle this professionally and with good etiquette. I need to get a grip of my emotional side and not letting it run freely.

**inhale.....exhale.....inhale....exhale.... try to smile...***

**But fail**

Glass of wine please???

False Advertisement Of Abbey Bank

Sometimes, as consumers, we get the heavenly promise of advertisement which seems too good to be true that will let us earn more cash or so it seems. But most of the time, its just full of bullshit when you probe further and will tend to find flaws in them, thus crushing your dream to obtain it.

Most of the time, advertisement would mislead us to think that we are getting the best out of it but in actual life, they come with unstated terms and conditions that drive us crazy.

Take for an example of ABBEY BANK which has this promotional thingy and really lead us to believe that we could get money out of it such as the one below:
After asking further when we decided to open the account only did we know that there's an unstated rule of "CHECKING OUR BANK RECORD HISTORY BEFORE DETERMINING WHETHER WE ARE ENTITILED TO THE £100 CASHBACK" which is not anywhere stated in the terms and condition.

And this is their terms and condition:
1. £100 cashback offer

2. Get £100 when you open and switch to a new Preferred Overdraft Rate Bank Account.(See note below.)

3. To qualify for the £100, simply:o switch using the Account Transfer Service;o transfer all direct debits from your previous account; ando pay at least £1,000 into your new bank account within 11 weeks of opening it.

4. We will then pay the £100 into your new bank account within three months of the account being opened.

5. You must be over 18.

6. This offer isn’t available if you already hold one of our bank accounts or an Alliance & Leicester, Cahoot or Cater Allen current account, or have held one in the last three months.

7. This offer is limited and only open to you if we have accepted you for a Preferred Overdraft Rate Account

I mean, like WHAT THE FUCK!? right?? I do think its really unfair to us when you are advertising this promotion and when we are really interested to apply, you give us this shit about CHECKING OUR BANKING HISTORY before deciding to give out the £100.

If that's the case, PLEASE STATE THE REAL DEAL in your advertisement before publishing it so that we, poor consumers won't feel like we got cheated.

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And the other advertisement that makes me pissed off is the one below with the advertised bit as listed:

1. Interest-free overdraft - of up to £2,000

2. £50 cash - credited to the account after it has been opened for one month

3. Essentials - includes a Visa debit or Electron card for easy, secure withdrawals and purchases

4. Earn - while you learn with 2% AER (5% for Santander University Account) (see note 1) interest on the money in your account on balances up to £500.

5. Easy access - through Abbey’s 700+ branches and cash machine network.

6. Online banking - for 24-hour access to your bank account

7. Prize Draw- once you have opened your account you will be eligible to enter the prize draw for the Celebrity Master Class. For more information please go to http://www.celebritymasterclass.co.uk/

8. Money for nothing – In September we’re giving away £50, EVERY HOUR, EVERY DAY, FOR 30 DAYS! For more information please go to www.facebook.com/abbeystudents

Nothing did the advertisement state that ONLY APPLICABLE TO UK AND EU STUDENT. (for your information, I copy and pasted the text above without editing it). Only when we ask did we get this stupid answer that we, as international students are not entitled to this £50 cash.
I mean, come on, this is total racial descrimination (which of course, they wouldn't admit). How could you even choose out who gets to get the £50 and for bloody's sake, we are poor, penniless student who hope to get more money from any sources.

Like super cheating. Fuming with anger now and we hate to say this:

ABBEY BANK, YOU ARE SO FULL OF LIES AND IF YOU REALLY WANNA MAKE YOUR COMPANY GROW, JUST BE HONEST AND WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING IN YOUR ADVERTISEMENT BEFORE PUBLISHING IT SO THAT YOU WOULD NOT WASTE OUR TIME TRYING TO APPLY FOR YOUR BANK ACCOUNT!!!