I Have To Say It

I am f***ing fed-up with my life. I am just sick of the expectations, the work, the hardships, the feeling of regret, the pressure, the decisions, everything..


Aaarrrrgggghhhh...


I think I'm going to burst...


I'm not blaming GOD for telling me and my mum that I'll get lucky in June with my job searching, but I just can't seem to see myself getting a job with just 13 days left. And I just felt really pressured.


I'm afraid to disappoint my parents again and again by telling them I haven't got any luck in my job search as I think that they are sick of hearing it too.


I'm so afraid that I wouldn't be able to obtain a job related to engineering that I'm forcing myself to feel optimistic that companies would eventually hire me to be their engineer but the fact is, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing...


I know, its too late, I'm 24, a Master degree holder in engineering, and yet, here I am, shouting about how much I dislike what I am doing..


There's just so many things to do and yet, I haven't succeeded in accomplishing anything. Somtimes I do think I'm such a loser, to this life and to my weaknesses.


I hate myself for being so indecisive. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself to always succumb to laziness and pressure and bluntness ans stupidness. I hate myself for always upsetting and disappointing my parents. I hate myself for being so unsatisfied with everything now. I hate myself for having the thoughts of blaming GOD.


I think I need to rest. I think I'm getting old. I think I'm going to be sick. My head's spinning right now. My body is really lethargic. Even food and fashion couldn't excite me anymore.


I'm so tempted to go back to where I belong, to Malaysia, to my family, to the place where I am familiar with, where jobs are easier to obtain, where everything would turn out alright.


But...


I just wanna lie down in a cave and never be found T__T